May 2008 E-News
Communication Tip: Hearing the Need behind "No"
Parenting Tip: Empathy: A Precious Gift
Upcoming Events: Nonviolent Communication and Parenting Classes and Groups

Communication Tip: Hearing the Need behind "No"
When we make a request and get a "No" in response, we may either give up on our request, or ask more insistently. Either way, we close a door to connection. Nonviolent Communication invites us to trust that people enjoy giving. They say "No" when their own needs prevent them from giving freely. Instead of demanding or giving up, try guessing and acknowledging the need behind the "No." Common needs are:

• Choice and to Matter: Nobody enjoys being told what they have to do. If the tone of the "No" is vigorous or resentful, it probably comes out of a need for choice and autonomy. This response is an invitation to shift the power dynamics of the relationship so that the person trusts that they have a choice, and that their needs matter.
• Connection: If the person feels a caring connection with you, they will easily be moved to help you. If not, they will have a hard time saying "Yes." One way to nurture connection is to offer empathy, quality listening without an agenda.
• Understanding: Do they understand what needs of yours will be met if they say "Yes?" The benefits may seem obvious to you, but often the other person is not aware of the gift they would be giving to you by saying "Yes." NVC reminds us to clearly express our needs behind the requests we make.
• Ease and comfort: Doing what we ask probably takes effort. It may be harder for somebody to do a task than we realize. Or the person may already feel tired or overwhelmed and need ease or rest. They may not want to say they will do something and then not be able to do it. We can take the time to ask how it would feel for the other person to do what we ask.

As we explore the needs behind the "No," our concern for the needs of the other person makes it easier for them to say "Yes." We may still get "No" for an answer. Yet we won't hear it as rejection or rebellion. We will be more likely to have understanding and compassion for the other person, and that will make it easier for them to say "Yes" in the future.

Parenting Tip: Empathy: a Precious Gift
Giving our children empathy means receiving what is alive in them without judgment. Giving empathy doesn't mean being "permissive." Parents can set a limit and still empathize: "That candy must look so tasty to you. Wouldn't it be wonderful if candy was healthy and you could eat as much as you want? Yes, that would be so fun. We're going to buy healthy food today so our bodies can be healthy. Are you sad about that?" Empathy fosters connection, acceptance, and emotional intelligence.

Nonviolent communication offers a specific formula for giving empathy. We guess an observation, feeling and need, like this: "Are you really enjoying (feeling) playing your video game (observation) and wanting to play more (need)?" Or... "I see you threw your pencil. (observation). Are you frustrated (feeling)? Do you want some help with your homework (need)?" We then allow some time for the other person to respond. We may guess wrong; then we try again. "Do you just have more homework than usual(observation) and you're feeling discouraged about getting it all done (need)?" Effective empathy is more than words. It is setting aside our own agendas, at least for a few minutes, to experience what is in a child's heart.

It's easy for a child to hear all the "No's" and frustrations in their life to mean, "Your needs don't matter. There is something wrong with you for having these feelings and needs. Nobody understands you." By offering empathy, we tell them their needs do matter, even when they can't have them in the moment. Their feelings and needs are accepted. And somebody understands. What a precious gift to give our children.

Upcoming Open Door Events with Terry
Register by phone at 949-400-3379 or email.

Events with Other Trainers

In Costa Mesa: Nonviolent Communication Practice Group, 12 Sundays 3:30-5:30 pm, beginning May 11. Led by Upgeya Pew:  email  or call at 949-646-1011.

In Newport Beach: Nonviolent Communication Practice Group, 6 weeks. A Thursday evening series is underway- call to join. Led by Ellen Shiro, MFT:  see www.ellenshiro.com.  Call her at 949-642-7889.

In Pasadena: Deep Listening, Sat. May 17, 9-5. The Basics of Nonviolent Communication Sat. June 7, 9-5. Sliding fee. Pre-registration requested. Led by Rodger Sorrow and/or Kathi Aichner; meeting at the Church of Truth. For more information see www.communicationfromtheheart.com.

In Long Beach (ongoing): Nonviolent Communication Practice Group This ongoing practice group meets second and fourth Wednesdays, 7-9 pm. Quiet meditation for gathering starts at 6:30. Donation basis. If you are interested, contact Bob Kalayjian at 562-754-5334 or email Bob.

One day we must come to see that peace is not merely a distant goal that we seek,
but that it is a means by which we arrive at that goal.
We must pursue peaceful ends through peaceful means.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.

Terry LePage
Open Door Communication
terry@opendoorcommunication.org
www.OpenDoorCommunication.org
949-400-3379

Mission of Open Door Communication
To share Nonviolent Communication (NVC) and related life-serving tools with people from all walks of life in Southern California by:

Offering NVC workshops, mediation, and coaching.
Establishing practice groups and mentoring NVC resource people to multiply impact.
Facilitating supportive relationships among NVC practitioners.

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