Here is a short July Open Door E-news. I will be out of town till July 15, so please be patient with any correspondence.

Terry LePage
949-400-3379
www.opendoorcommunication.org

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July 2008 E-News
Communication Tip: Connecting Requests
Parenting Tip: Homework: Whose Need?
Upcoming Events: Intro Workshop July 20, Parenting Play/Support Group

Communication Tip: Connecting Requests
We express ourselves in Nonviolent Communication by stating our need, and then making a request, asking for what we want to help meet that need. When you suspect that the other person would hear your request as a demand or complaint, or you are concerned that they may not understand why it's important to you, try making a connecting request. You can ask what's going on for them: "I wonder how you feel about doing what I'm asking..." This allows you to understand their needs, and how enjoyable it will be for them to do as you ask. Or you can check that they are hearing your need: "I would love to hear from you why you think I want (need) this." Sometimes you discover they really haven't heard your need at all-- so you can try again to express it. People love to give to meet another person's need-- if they feel connected, the request is doable, and they can give from their own choosing. By making connecting requests, you make it easier for people to give from the heart.

Parenting Tip: Homework: Whose Need?
The topic of homework frequently comes up in my parenting classes. Many parents have strong feelings around homework. These strong feelings are signals of urgent unmet needs for ease, freedom, acceptance and mastery, to name a few. These are the parents' needs on behalf of their children. And yet the homework is supposedly the child's. When we as parents find ourselves so emotionally invested in our child's behavior, it's time to back up and ask: whose need is at stake? It is not our child's job to meet our needs.

Parents nagging, threatening, correcting, and worrying about a child's homework creates unmet needs for respect, connection, autonomy, and peace. In the long term, we want to help our children develop internal motivation to do what matters to them, and to make the choices that fit their needs and values-- choices that will sometimes be different than what we would choose. This is more important than the short term strategy of "getting the homework all done right."

Doing homework is a strategy that meets some needs and does not meet others. A local author, Victoria Olivadoti, has given us a book that can help children sort out some specific homework challenges, "Homework Solutions for Weary Students & Their Parents." I trust that if parents take all the needs into account and remain flexible about strategies, partnering with their kids and communicating needs to the teachers (and sometimes setting family limits that are different from the teacher's demands), all kinds of creative approaches for meeting needs and doing homework will emerge.

Upcoming Events

In Irvine: Practicing Nonviolent Communication. Led by Terry. Designed for people new to Nonviolent Communication, or who have had a brief introduction. Learn the basics and start practicing on situations in your life, with lively activities and role plays. Sunday July 20, 3-7 pm. Limited capacity so please reserve in advance. Requested contribution $40 or what you can comfortably contribute. RSVP by phone at 949-400-3379 or email.

In Irvine: Nonviolent Parenting Play/Support Thursdays July 31 and August 14, 10:30-12:30. Bring your kids and a sack lunch to Gabrielino Park on the UCI campus (Corner of Gabrielino and California.) Informal Giraffe conversation and fun. No money request. RSVP: 949-400-3379 or email.

Terry's speaking this summer at:
Unitarian Universalist Church in Anaheim 511 S. Harbor Blvd., July 20, 11 a.m. service. "Connect with Respect: Nonviolent Communication with Children"
Orange Coast Unitarian Universalist Church, 1259 Victoria Street, Costa Mesa July 27, 9:30 and 11:15 a.m. services, "Nonviolent Communication: Peacemaking in Everyday Life."
Unitarian Universalist Church in Long Beach, 5450 Atherton Street, August 24, 10 a.m. service, "Nonviolent Communication:Peacemaking in Everyday Life."
(I'm not a member of a Unitarian church, but Unitarians seem to appreciate Nonviolent Communication!)

Stay tuned for more Communication and Parenting groups in the Fall.

Events with other trainers:

In Costa Mesa: Nonviolent Communication Practice Group, Currently Sundays from 3:30 to 5:30 pm. Led by Upgeya Pew:  email him  or call at 949-646-1011.

In Newport Beach: Nonviolent Communication Practice Group, usually Thursday evenings; call for details. Led by Ellen Shiro, MFT:  see www.ellenshiro.com.  Call her at 949-642-7889.

Peace is a daily, a weekly, a monthly process, gradually changing opinions, slowly eroding old barriers, quietly building new structures.
-John F. Kennedy

Terry LePage
Open Door Communication
terry@opendoorcommunication.org
www.OpenDoorCommunication.org
949-400-3379

Mission of Open Door Communication
To share Nonviolent Communication (NVC) and related life-serving tools with people from all walks of life in Southern California by:

Offering NVC workshops, mediation, and coaching.
Establishing practice groups and mentoring NVC resource people to multiply impact.
Facilitating supportive relationships among NVC practitioners.

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