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August 2008 E-News
Communication Tip: The Practice of Empathy
Principles of Nonviolent Parenting
Upcoming Events: Parenting Play/Support Picnic,
Nonviolent Communication Workshops and Classes

Communication Tip: The Practice of Empathy
One of the most precious gifts we can give is empathy. Empathy in Nonviolent Communication is receiving what is alive in another person: guessing their feelings and needs. This can be done silently or by asking questions, with plenty of space for listening to the response. "Are you exhausted right now?... Do you just want to rest?" "Are you confused?... Are you wanting to have peace about the choice you make?" Empathy is different from diagnosing, fixing, or advice giving; and usually more helpful than any of these. It is also different from sympathy. When somebody is in pain it is a rare gift to be present with them without trying to change or redirect their feelings. Empathy meets key needs for compassion, understanding,and to be fully heard and accepted.

Giving empathy regularly is an effective way to "build our compassion muscles." It is probably obvious that you could offer empathy to a friend, family member or coworker who is in need of a listening ear. Less obvious is the practice of giving empathy to a person when you are irritated or confused about what they have done. In this situation it doesn't help to know "what are they thinking?"-- that may only irritate you more. Rather, just guess what they are feeling and needing when they do what they do.

Empathy is usually received with enjoyment when we offer it with an attitude of curiosity and compassion, free of judgment. If I am not confident of my ability to set aside my judgment that the other person is doing something wrong, I give empathy silently and trust that my thinking and body language will convey that empathy better than words. If what the other person does stimulates strong feelings in me that make it hard for me to give empathy to them, I give empathy to myself first. By practicing awareness of our own feelings and needs, we gain skill in giving empathy to others.

Empathy feels good to receive and to give, and I believe it makes the world a more compassionate place. So I invite you to make it a part of your daily routine!

The Principles of Nonviolent Parenting
as given by the Center for Nonviolent Education and Parenting, www.cnvep.org.

• In our commitment to build a just, loving and peaceful world, we respect the dignity and value of each human being and life force on this planet.

• Children are born loving, curious, trusting, whole human beings. We remember to always see them in this light and to encourage these natural traits to bloom throughout their childhood.

• Children deserve to be raised with unconditional loving, free from physical hurt, shaming, and manipulation. It is damaging to children to be raised to fear their parents.

• Building an intimate relationship with a child is a complicated process that requires acceptance and understanding of basic human needs and feelings. It is natural that both parents and children will experience anger and frustration as well as warmth and affection.

• Parenting is not something that is done to a child, but the process of being in a relationship together. Parents are allies to their children, offering support as they work with—not against—them to build mutual understanding, respect, and honesty.

• Parents work to maintain awareness and continually reevaluate the effect of their power in their relationships with their children. The misuse of power over children is a form of violence against them.

• It takes time to grow up and reach an adult understanding of the world. The child’s maturation and brain development is respected as an ongoing, complex process. The child’s view of the world is right for a child, and needs to be supported and recognized as true.

• Each person’s reactions and feelings are respected, heard, and recognized as true. Through deep listening, empathy and loving speech, children are guided to learn nonviolent ways to express their feelings and needs and to resolve their problems. This is the process of building emotional competency and emotional intelligence.

• Children need nurturing guidance and age-appropriate limits to keep them safe, and to teach them the values that are important to the family. This process creates a scaffolding of support around a child. The caregiver is an emotional coach who guides the child in loving, supportive ways that respect the child’s innate desire to satisfy his basic human needs.

• Nonviolent parenting is a daily practice using skills such as empathy, self- regulation, and problem solving—skills that both parents and children can learn.

These principles are deeply challenging and deeply rewarding to put into practice!

Upcoming Events

In Tustin: Connect with Respect: An Introduction to Compassionate Communication Sunday September 14, 3-5 pm at Soul at Home, 17612 East 17th Street. Led by Terry. No fee. Pre-registration required; call 714-573-7685. A six-session practice group will follow starting Sunday October 5, 3-5 pm. The money request for the series is $60. by 9/14; $75 after.

In Irvine: Nonviolent Parenting Play/Support Picnic Lunch August 14, 10:30-12:30. Bring your kids (if they're not otherwise engaged) and a sack lunch to Gabrielino Park on the UCI campus (Corner of Gabrielino and California.) Informal Giraffe conversation and fun; brainstorming about ways to support our Nonviolent Parenting. No money request. RSVP: 949-400-3379 or email.

Terry is speaking this summer at:
Tapestry Unitarian Universalist Congregation in Mission Viejo, 25801 Obrero Drive, Suite 9, August 10, 10 am service, "Nonviolent Communication: Peacemaking in Everyday Life."
Unitarian Universalist Church in Long Beach, 5450 Atherton Street, August 24, 10 a.m. service, "Nonviolent Communication :Peacemaking in Everyday Life."

Stay tuned for more Communication and Parenting groups in the Fall.

Events with other trainers:

In Costa Mesa: Introduction to Nonviolent Communication, August 24, from 9:30 am to 4:30 pm. Please contact Upgeya Pew:  email him  or call at 949-646-1011. No fee requested. Upgeya will start a practice group in early September. He writes:" I've been learning and teaching Nonviolent Communication in OrangeCounty for the last 8 years or so, mostly by facilitating small practice
groups. To meet my own needs for connection with like-hearted people,for building community and for contribution to a peaceful world, I'm
offering a 1-day Introduction to Nonviolent Communication to those of you who are interested."

In Newport Beach: Nonviolent Communication Intensive Practice, Wednesday or Thursday evenings, new series beginning early September. Led by Ellen Shiro, MFT.. Email her or call at 949-642-7889.

Happiness is not a state to be arrived at but a manner of traveling.
-Samuel Johnson

Terry LePage
Open Door Communication
terry@opendoorcommunication.org
www.OpenDoorCommunication.org
949-400-3379

Mission of Open Door Communication
To share Nonviolent Communication (NVC) and related life-serving tools with people from all walks of life in Southern California by:

Offering NVC workshops, mediation, and coaching.
Establishing practice groups and mentoring NVC resource people to multiply impact.
Facilitating supportive relationships among NVC practitioners.

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