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September 2008 E-News
Communication Tip: Separating Observation from Interpretation
Parenting Tip: Avoiding the Label Trap
Upcoming Events: Nonviolent Communication Workshops and Classes
Communication Tip: Separating Observation from Interpretation
As we seek to understand what is happening around us, we often end up telling ourselves stories about motives and meanings. Storytelling is a natural and powerful way of making sense of our world. It can also be a subtle form of judgment. Nonviolent Communication invites us to distinguish carefully between our obervation of what is really happening, and our interpretation, the story we are telling ourselves about it. The simple phrase "I'm telling myself a story that..." helps remind us of this distinction.
Reality is what a videocamera would see. It has no meaning or motivation until we interpret it. When we feel uncomfortable in an interaction with someone, we are likely to interpret their motives as hurtful-- and that further disconnects us. "He did that because he is disrespectful." "She was thoughtless." By remembering to separate real observations from the stories we have woven about motives and meaning, we can hold those stories more lightly, and free ourselves to tell the story in ways that connect us at the heart level. "Maybe he really needed to express his frustration." "Maybe she didn't realize how that would affect me." The stories that connect us most are ones in which we are honest about our own feelings and needs, and in which we respectfully guess the feelings and needs of others.
Parenting Tip: Avoiding the Label Trap
With a label to apply, especially if it comes from a professional, we think we understand the person. Children are particularly vulnerable to the effects of labels, since they take their cues about what is possible and expected from the adults around them. Labels can limit anyone's full potential and humanity, but especially a child's. Some labels are relatively benign, like "shy." Some carry expectations that a child will not be able to accomplish age-appropriate tasks, such as "ADHD" and "autistic." Our children are developing every day. Just because their behavior fits a label at one point in their development or in one situation does not mean that label describes them for all times and places. Labels are sometimes used on children with behaviors that are not uncommon but that do not meet the needs of a caregiver or teacher. Some adults are still fighting to shed the labels we were trapped in as children.
When we as parents have been struggling with our children's behaviors, a label or diagnosis may offer us some relief from guilt, and hope that our child can receive optimal care for their particular needs. We can use Nonviolent Communication to protect children from the less helpful effects of labels. We can recognize that the label is a "judgment" based on the observation of some behaviors, and does not describe the child fully. Therefore we will be cautious about basing expectations or treatment of the child on that label. We can recognize that people adapt and compensate to a wide range of challenges, so we will take care not to limit opportunities and support for the child's mastery because the label says "they can't." We can remember that our child's behaviors likely will change over time, and the label may become irrelevant. And we can strive to show them empathy and acceptance for the way they are (not the way they're labeled), even as we give them opportunities and challenges to grow into.
Upcoming Events
In Tustin: Connect with Respect: An Introduction to Compassionate Communication Sunday September 14, 3-5 pm at Soul at Home, 17612 East 17th Street. Led by Terry LePage. No fee. Pre-registration required; call 714-573-7685. See the flyer here. A six-session practice group will follow starting Sunday October 5, 3-5 pm. Fee requested for the series is $60. by 9/14; $75 after.
In Pasadena: Nonviolent Communication Basics, Saturday Sept. 6 from 9-5. Sliding fee. Pre-registration requested. Led by Rodger Sorrow and Anne Walton; meeting at the Church of Truth. For more information see www.communicationfromtheheart.com. They will be offering a intermediate one day Deepening Self-Empathy at the same location on Saturday Oct. 18th.
In Seal Beach: Nonviolent Parenting, 10 Wednesdays starting Sept. 3, 6:30-8:30pm at the Seal Beach Center for Spiritual Living, 500 Marina Drive. CNVEP Certified parent educators Tova Pusl and Julia Bongard. Contact them at (562) 422-8623, nvparenting@yahoo.com. Quality, loving child care provided for a family fee of $5 a night. Course cost is $180 for all ten weeks or $20 a session. (add an additional co-parent for half price.)
In Newport Beach: Communicating for Mutual Understanding: Introductory class Thursday, September 11, 7:30 to 9:30pm.This class is for those new to the NVC concepts. $15. Intensive Practice,six week sessions, Wednesdays starting Sept.10, 7:30-9:30, Tuesdays starting Sept. 16, 7:30 to 9:30, or Thursdays starting Sept. 18, noon to 2. $180 for the series, scholarships available. Led by Ellen Shiro, MFT.. Email her or call at 949-642-7889.
In Costa Mesa: Nonviolent Communication Practice Group, Sundays 3:30 am to 5:30 pm, starting this Sunday, September 7, twelve-week series. Please contact Upgeya Pew: email him or call at 949-646-1011.
The greatest deception men suffer is from their own opinions.
-Leonardo da Vinci
Terry LePage
Open Door Communication
terry@opendoorcommunication.org
www.OpenDoorCommunication.org
949-400-3379
Mission of Open Door Communication
To share Nonviolent Communication (NVC) and related life-serving tools with people from all walks of life in Southern California by:
Offering NVC workshops, mediation, and coaching.
Establishing practice groups and mentoring NVC resource people to multiply impact.
Facilitating supportive relationships among NVC practitioners.Click here to subscribe to Open Door E-News.
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