April 2010 E-News
Communication Tip: Doable Requests: Be Specific
Parenting Tip: Limits in the Nonviolent Paradigm
Communication and Parenting Events and Classes

To unsubscribe from Open Door E-News, click unsubscribe.
If this email was forwarded to you and you want to subscribe, Click here.

Communication Tip: Doable Requests: Be Specific
This is the second tip on making doable requests. A request is doable when it is concrete and in the present. I might want somebody to show more consideration or respect to me than they've done in the past. We will probably both be disappointed unless we get specific about what "showing consideration or respect" looks like. What do I want them to do, exactly? How often? For how long? Am I willing to remind them? Perhaps this level of specificity sparks annoyance or embarrassment for the requester. Shouldn't someone know what respect looks like? If the person knew what I wanted, I probably wouldn't be asking. And I may have a surprising amount of trouble proposing specific respectful actions. "I'll know respect when I see it," may be true, but that approach doesn't help someone give it to me. If someone has to read my mind to give me what I want, I am sure to be disappointed.

You may be wondering whether this kind of detailed request will result in "going through the motions" of offering respect or consideration. Perhaps. Yet if someone is willing to take certain actions to meet my needs, that in itself is respect and consideration. As we gain experience and confidence in hearing each others' needs and carrying out requests and strategies to meet them, the awkwardness of our initial attempts to connect will shift. We can build a comfortable and enjoyable partnership, beginning with offering specific, doable requests and expressing the way those requests will make life more wonderful for us.

Parenting Tip: Limits in the Nonviolent Paradigm
Children need limits as a scaffold of support, for three reasons.
• For safety. "We don't play in the street; we play on the grass where it's safe." "We brush our teeth so we can keep our teeth."
• For socialization, that is, for respect and consideration of other people. For instance, "We touch people gently." "We use quiet voices in the restaurant."
• To support the values of your particular family. That might be: "We eat dinner together," or "We don't use video on Saturdays."
In the Nonviolent paradigm, we avoid punishment, shaming, threats and manipulation. Which leaves some parents asking: what's left to shape kids' behavior? Parents convinced of the Nonviolent paradigm must learn tools we were not raised with, to set limits respectfully. And we are committed to do so, because we value compassion for all people, and kids need limits. We want respect and consideration from our children not as rote behaviors, rather as internalized values. We know that children learn what they see, so we seek to model the respect and consideration we want them to learn.

Limits are a scaffold of support for a small person who is growing to someday create his or her own personal limits for safety, socialization and values. To this end, we choose our limits thoughtfully, explain the needs behind the limits we set, and make them appropriate to a child's age and needs. We seek creative ways to make it easy and fun for our child to observe limits. Of course limits aren't always easy or fun for a child. We give empathy and understanding when a child has Big Feelings about a limit, while lovingly holding the limit. Setting and holding respectful limits is challenging. It requires creativity, compassion, determination, and emotional intelligence from us as parents. And it's worth the hard work to model these qualities for our children as they learn how to be in the world.

Upcoming Events: Communication and Parenting Events and Classes
with Terry and by other trainers. Request an event in your area for you and your friends!

In Irvine (UCI): NVP-OC Advocates Meeting
People who want to support the Nonviolent Childraising philosophy in Orange County are gathering. We will plan and share resources to support each other and get the word out about Nonviolent Parenting classes and resources. Sunday May 2, 4-5 pm (note date change) at Terry's home on the UCI campus, 52 Whitman Ct. RSVP appreciated: 949-400-3379 or email Terry.

In Aliso Viejo: Parenting From Your Heart
This weekday morning series is designed for parents accompanied by young children.
Six Tuesdays, May 4-June 8, 10:30am to Noon at a private home.
Led by Terry LePage, CNVEP-certified parent educator. Topics include:
• Loving Children Well: the Philosophy of Nonviolent Parenting
• Empathy and other practical tools for parent-child connection- a fabulous followup to Attachment Parenting tools.
• Constructively handling Big Feelings in kids and parents-- repairing ruptures in connection and learning emotional regulation tools.
• Love Grows Brains: Brain development and child development, as it affects connection, emotional intelligence, and resilience.
• A Scaffold of Support: Limits in the Nonviolent paradigm, where everybody's needs matter.
• Empathy for parents too! Supporting one another in self-care and in parenting our values.
Children willing to separate will be entertained by a parent or two in an adjoining room to help the adults focus.
Request $90. for the series, or what your family can afford-- we want all to have access to these tools!
To register: contact Patina Edwards at 949-273-9463, patinaedwards@gmail.com. Questions? Call Terry at 949-400-3379, or email terry@opendoorcommunication.org

In Irvine: FREE Introduction to Compassionate Communication. Saturday May 15,
10:30 to Noon. Get a taste of the power of Compassionate (Nonviolent) Communication as a part of the Grand Opening celebration of the Center for Living Peace, across from the UCI campus. Led by Terry LePage. Short introduction to the philosophy and practice, with real life examples showing the power of this tool. For more information or to reserve a spot call 949-400-3379 or email Terry. Drop-ins welcome as space permits.

In Santa Barbara: NVC Conference May 15-16. Participants include certified NVC Trainers Raj Gill from British Columbia, Jori and Jim Manske from Albuquerque, and Kathleen Macferran from Seattle. They will share the developments in using NVC in a variety of settings; from personal life and relationships to business, education, justice and government. . They will join local Certified NVC Trainers Liz Otterbein, Anne Walton, and other facilitators for breakout sessions. If you have already attended an NVC event or class, you will know that this is a rare opportunity to dramatically expand and deepen your knowledge and skills. If you are not familiar with NVC but would like to express yourself more fully and easily, be sure to attend this event and discover the power of communicating compassionately. Register online at www.sbcc.edu/AdultEd on or after Mar 29, 2010. Moderator: Rodger Sorrow, Certified Trainer with CNVC. Saturday and Sunday, May 15 & 16, 2010 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. and 10 a.m. to 4 p.m., respectively Thornton Auditorium, Wake Center - 300 N. Turnpike Rd., Santa Barbara. CEUs RN/LVN, CNA, MFT/LCSW contact hours: 12, cost $48 (must attend both days) For lots more information visit www.ChooseConnection.com/NVC-Conference or email Becky Saffold, saffold@sbcc.edu, about registration.

In Irvine: Everyday Peacemaking: Compassionate Communication Practice Group
Do you want to speak in a way that makes compassion real and active? Are you frustrated about misunderstanding or lack of connection at work or at home? Or do you just want to learn a way of speaking that heals and connects people? Learn Compassionate (Nonviolent) Communication. 6 Tuesdays, May 18 to June 12. 7-8 pm interactive instruction; 8-9pm practice. Beginners please enroll for the whole series. If you are comfortable with NVC, you may enroll or drop in for the practice portion only. At the Center for Living Peace, across from the UCI campus. Request $120 for the series or what you can afford; $25/15 for 2 /1 hour drop-ins. For more information or to reserve a spot call 949-400-3379 or email Terry.

In Irvine: CNVEP Parenting Class 10-week series.
A 10 week interactive class through the Center for Nonviolent Education and Parenting, led by Terry LePage, CNVEP-certified parent educator. Learn principles and practices to help you parent your values. Topics include parenting for cooperation, tools for connection with your child, brain and child development, understanding what motivates behavior, limit setting without punishment, shaming or bribes, dealing constructively with Big Feelings such as anger, parental self-care, and emotional intelligence. Saturday Mornings 10 am to Noon, starting June 5 (through August 14; July 10 off.) at the Center for Living Peace, across from UCI in the Marketplace, 4139 Campus Drive. For more info call 949-400-3379 or email Terry.

Check the CNVEP website for upcoming events in L.A. including a Weekend Parenting Intensive April 18-19.

When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the universe.
-John Muir

Terry LePage
Open Door Communication
terry@opendoorcommunication.org
www.OpenDoorCommunication.org
949-400-3379

Mission of Open Door Communication
To share Nonviolent Communication (NVC) and related life-serving tools with people from all walks of life in Southern California by:

Offering Nonviolent communication and parenting training, mediation, and coaching.
Establishing practice groups and mentoring Nonviolent resource people to multiply impact.
Facilitating supportive relationships among practitioners of the Nonviolent philosophy.

Click here to subscribe to Open Door E-News.
To unsubscribe from Open Door E-News, click here.