MAY 2010 E-News Topics
Communication Tip: If It's Really a Request, You Can Say "No."
Parenting Tip: Big Feelings
Communication and Parenting Events and Classes

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Communication Tip: If It's Really a Request, You Can Say "No."
Requests, instead of demands, are a key component of Nonviolent Communication. They meet the hearer's need for choice, and thus offer the hearer trust and mutuality. When the requester helps meet these needs, it becomes enjoyable to say "yes" to requests. When is a request really an invitation to help, and when is it a veiled demand? There are two answers to this question. First, can you take "no" for an answer, and avoid any hint of resentment or retaliation? It doesn't matter how "nicely" you ask. If you are going to make the hearer pay for not giving you want you want, it is a demand.

Next, can the hearer trust that they can really say "no" to you without fallout? Some people don't believe they really have a choice-- for instance some young people are used to being "ordered around." Others find it hard to say "no" because of their culture or upbringing. When I want someone to be sure they can say "no" to my request, I phrase my request as an "either-or": "I would love some support (need) setting up for the class tomorrow. Is that something you would enjoy doing? (request) Or would you like to just show up at seven?"

Does it seem realistic to get what you want by requesting freely and being willing to take "no" for an answer? When I know somebody truly cares about me and I understand the need behind their request, I enjoy saying "yes." I enjoy freedom from guilt, resentment, and power struggles. And I enjoy contributing to making someone's life wonderful.

Parenting Tip: Big Feelings
Children sometimes have Big Feelings. Have you noticed? Sometimes they lay on the floor and cry. Sometimes they are silent, but their body language speaks volumes. When children are having Big Feelings, their brains are dysregulated: flooded with stress hormones. They cannot use their higher brains to reason and learn. Often they cannot understand or even hear what we are saying. They need time and support to regain a regulated state. Suppressing, shaming or punishing children when they have Big Feelings is counterproductive: it prolongs the dysregulated state. Repeated and prolonged dysregulation is damaging to a child's brain.

Parents sometimes have Big Feelings too. Though we may not lay on the floor and cry, the same processes of dysregulation are happening in our brains. And we are not at our best for parenting our values. A big part of Nonviolent Parenting is recognizing when we are becoming emotionally flooded, and using tools to regain emotional regulation before trying to engage and educate our children. Children learn what they see. By being honest about our Big Feelings, repairing the ruptures when we express feelings in less-than-compassionate ways, and taking steps to regain regulation, we model dealing with Big Feelings in a helpful way.

Having Big Feelings is part of being human. Knowing how to express them respectfully and regulate them is part of emotional intelligence. Emotional coaching means showing respect and empathy for our children when they have Big Feelings, and helping them learn to express and regulate them in age-appropriate ways. It's not easy! But it's worth it.

Upcoming Events: Communication and Parenting Events and Classes
with Terry and by other trainers. Request an event in your area for you and your friends!

In Aliso Viejo: Parenting From Your Heart
This weekday morning series is designed for parents accompanied by young children.
Six Tuesdays, May 4-June 8, 10:30am to Noon at a private home.
Led by Terry LePage, CNVEP-certified parent educator. Children willing to separate will be entertained by a parent or two in an adjoining room to help the adults focus. Request $90. for the series, or what your family can afford-- we want all to have access to these tools! To register: contact Patina Edwards at 949-273-9463, patinaedwards@gmail.com. Questions? Call Terry at 949-400-3379, or email terry@opendoorcommunication.org.

In Irvine: Floor Card Fun Tuesday May 11, 7-9 pm. (Note: this is a one-time event)
For those who are familiar with Nonviolent Communication or Parenting. Join us for an evening of communication skills practice using floor cards to walk through the steps of this peacemaking communication tool. You may observe or walk the cards with coaching. Bring your real-life situations and be ready to take your shoes off. This is our first class in the new Center for Living Peace-- a preview before their Grand Opening Weekend! 4139 Campus Drive, across from UCI, between Lee's and Focus Dance. All of your fee goes to support the center: request $25 or whatever you will enjoy contributing. We appreciate pre-registration at www.goodhappens.org; you can also register at the door.

In Irvine: FREE Introduction to Compassionate Communication.
Saturday May 15, 10:00 to 11:30 am. (Note time change.) Get a taste of the power of Compassionate (Nonviolent) Communication as a part of the Grand Opening celebration of the Center for Living Peace, across from the UCI campus. Led by Terry LePage. Short introduction to the philosophy and practice, with real life examples showing the power of this tool. No reservation required.

In Santa Barbara: FREE NVC Conference May 15-16. An exceptional breadth of expertise including certified Trainers Raj Gill from British Columbia, Jori and Jim Manske from Albuquerque, and Kathleen Macferran from Seattle. They will share the developments in using NVC in a variety of settings; from personal life and relationships to business, education, justice and government. . They will join local Certified NVC Trainers Liz Otterbein, Anne Walton, and other facilitators for breakout sessions. If you have already attended an NVC event or class, you will know that this is a rare opportunity to dramatically expand and deepen your knowledge and skills. If you are not familiar with NVC but would like to express yourself more fully and easily, be sure to attend this event and discover the power of communicating compassionately. Register online at www.sbcc.edu/AdultEd on or after Mar 29, 2010. Moderator: Rodger Sorrow. Saturday and Sunday, May 15 & 16, 2010 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. and 10 a.m. to 4 p.m., respectively. Thornton Auditorium, Wake Center - 300 N. Turnpike Rd., Santa Barbara. CEUs available. For lots more information visit www.ChooseConnection.com/NVC-Conference or email Becky Saffold, saffold@sbcc.edu, about registration.

In Irvine: Everyday Peacemaking: Compassionate Communication Practice Group - Download the flyer here.
Do you want to speak in a way that makes compassion real and active? Are you frustrated about misunderstanding or lack of connection at work or at home? Or do you just want to learn a way of speaking that heals and connects people? Learn Compassionate (Nonviolent) Communication. 6 Tuesdays, May 18 to June 22. 7-8 pm interactive instruction; 8-9pm practice. Beginners please enroll for the whole series. If you are comfortable with NVC, you may enroll or drop in for the practice portion only. Led by Terry LePage At the Center for Living Peace, 4139 Campus Drive, across from UCI, between Lee's and Focus Dance. Request $120 for the series or what you can afford; $25/15 for 2 /1 hour drop-ins. To register or for more information call 949-400-3379 or email Terry.

In Irvine: Express Yourself... Peacefully! - Download the flyer here.
For young adults- suggested ages 18-28. A safe space to practice:
• Speaking up for what you want
• Expressing how you feel
• Making yourself heard and understood
• In a way that invites trust, cooperation and empathy. Learn and practice the simple tools of Nonviolent Communication in a small group. Four Wednesdays starting May 19, 12:30 to 1:30 pm. At the Center for Living Peace, across from the UCI campus. Led by Terry LePage Request $10 per session or what you can afford. Drop-ins welcome. For more information call 949-400-3379 or email Terry.

In Irvine: CNVEP Parenting Class 10-week series. Download the flyer here.
A 10 week interactive class through the Center for Nonviolent Education and Parenting. Led by Terry LePage, CNVEP-certified parent educator. Learn principles and practices to help you parent your values. Topics include parenting for cooperation, tools for connection with your child, brain and child development, understanding what motivates behavior, limit setting without punishment, shaming or bribes, dealing constructively with Big Feelings such as anger, parental self-care, and emotional intelligence. Saturday Mornings 10 am to Noon, starting June 5 (through August 14; July 10 off.) at the Center for Living Peace, across from UCI in the Marketplace, 4139 Campus Drive. Sliding fee scale; drop-ins welcome. For more information call 949-400-3379 or email Terry.

In Lake Arrowhead: 4-Day NVC Vacation Retreat with Mary MacKenzie, August 4-7. See the website, www.karenoconnell.com, for more information.

In the hearts of people today there is a deep longing for peace.
When the true spirit of peace is thoroughly dominant, it becomes an inner experience with unlimited possibilities.
Only when this really happens - when the spirit of peace awakens and takes possession of men’s hearts, can humanity be saved from perishing.
- Albert Schweitzer

Terry LePage
Open Door Communication
terry@opendoorcommunication.org
www.OpenDoorCommunication.org
949-400-3379

Mission of Open Door Communication
To share Nonviolent Communication (NVC) and related life-serving tools with people from all walks of life in Southern California by:

Offering NVC workshops, mediation, and coaching.
Establishing practice groups and mentoring NVC resource people to multiply impact.
Facilitating supportive relationships among NVC practitioners.

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